Because grief can be so painful and seem overwhelming, it frightens us. Many people worry if they are grieving in the “right” way, and wonder if the feelings they have are normal. There is no “normal” since everyone’s relationship with the decedent varies.
Most people who suffer a loss experience one or more of the following:
♦ Feel tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest and other physical signs
♦ Have an empty feeling in their stomach and lose their appetite
♦ Feel guilty and angry at times over simple things
♦ Feel restless and look for activity but find it difficult to concentrate
♦ Feel as though the loss isn’t real, that it didn’t actually happen
♦ Sense the loved one’s presence, like finding themselves expecting the person to walk in the door at the usual time, hearing their voice, or seeing their face.
♦ Wander aimlessly and forget and don’t finish things they’ve started to do around the house
♦ Have difficulty sleeping, and dream of their loved one frequently
♦ Assume mannerisms or traits of their loved one or identify easily with others who had common traits and want to “replace” the deceased person
♦ Experience an intense preoccupation with the life lost and tries to rationalize the death
♦ Feel guilty or angry over things that happened or didn’t happen in the relationship with the deceased
♦ Feel intensely angry at the loved one for leaving them
♦ Feel a sense of losing control and insecurity
♦ Feel as though they need to take care of other people who seem uncomfortable around them, by politely not talking about the feelings of loss
♦ Need to tell and retell and remember things about the loved one and the experience of their death; trouble letting go
♦ Feel their mood changes over the slightest thing and tend to be more sensitive at this time
♦ Cry at unexpected times and mostly when something or someone appears in life that reminds them of their loved one
These are all natural and normal grief responses. It’s important to cry and talk with people when you need to. However, if you still grieve over the loss of that precious person you have lost, even though much time has passed, facing our loss is the way to health and freedom. Consider these ways to start your healing process:
J. William Worden describes 4 tasks to mourning: to accept the reality of the loss; to experience the pain of grief; to adjust to an environment with the person; to reinvest emotional energy in life.
*Author’s note: Some content has been reproduced and reworked from “Care Notes” by Abby Press; When Grief Won't go Away